The last part of the cycle about Non-Violent Communication. I hope that all the unconvinced have already understood why we simply need this style of communication, how to implement it slowly and what to pay attention to. I hope that in your homes there is more joy from conversations and you are starting to pay attention to what and how you say to each other. 🙂

Today we go a step further and take the topic "to the workshop":

How to teach a child to use both NVC, as well as the negotiation style in a conscious way?

FROM THE BEGINNING

Method communication NVC as I have said many times, it is extremely peaceful. Used every day, it allows you to take amazing care of your needs. In an ideal world (haha) everyone would get along with each other without a problem, they would have their delicacies in mind and in general it would be great. 😉 Unfortunately, this is not the case and we have to accept that part of society (unfortunately a large one) will never be able to reach a certain level of conscious conversation. Some percentage of humanity is not at all interested in how, what and to whom to speak, they use language in a totally unhygienic way. It is enough to walk around the park or go to the hypermarket to observe this phenomenon. Passwords (or commands) are thrown without a thought, often raised voice, with a grudge, and each attempt to communicate with such a person in a different way for him usually ends with a threatening look.

DEFINITION

Fortunately, language specialists and wise people have come up with a remedy for this. For the Citizens of the World who do not embrace NVC for various reasons (or just want to be more specific in some situations) we have a very interesting modality called negotiation style. Most people use it more or less correctly (most often in professional situations) and associate it with debating a topic. However, how does it relate to the upbringing of the Child and does it not contradict the Non-Violent Communication?

In my opinion NObecause (in the case of a Young Man):

• it's nice to have different skills, including language skills and consciously use them 😉
• we teach that it is possible to communicate calmly, but with a certain expectation
• we practice assertiveness and sending messages (especially if YOU SHOULD NOT DO SOMETHING YOURSELF, WHEN YOU NEED HELP)
• it is good to be an amicable person, but also more specific (if the situation requires it, often communication with the negotiation style results in a faster effect)

However, in the case of a Parent:

• allows for more specific enforcement of certain issues (let's not be enchanted that by introducing NVC The child will always be happy to clean up after himself, play politely and in general turn into an angel; we are all human beings and even the conscious and peaceful ones have moments of crisis)
• allows you to meet "at one table", where everyone's interests are important and lead to some kind of consensus
• gives space to maintain common values, which by definition are known and introduced simply by the Adult, and the Child is just learning them

AND ALL THIS BECAUSE...

The negotiation style is aimed at selecting a conversation leader, a leader (but not a ruler, an aggressor at all costs!), who has conscious control over the communication process and stands up for the community. That leader, that leader, can be the Child, if we allow him to do so.

HOW TO DO IT?

As with NVC, the negotiation style has its own properties, and these are:

• ask open-ended questions and wait for an answer ("Why?" 😉 )
• courage in asking when we do not like something (e.g. in a situation when after the third request the toys are not cleaned, we ask the question "Why are these toys not cleaned?", and the child asks "But why should I clean them?" – yes, it is here that we should select a common interest, and not say that the living room is cluttered, it is not enough 😉)
• Investigation: "How can this be done better?" or "What do you think I should improve to do it better?"
• I say precisely, I expect precision (we do not mix information, facts, commands, grievances, comments) – we express our opinion clearly (not aggressively!) and we expect the same
• "Be part of the solution, not the problem" – a famous American saying, aimed at getting out of the situation, not shifting blame
• goal orientation – without muddying, marginalizing, only concrete
• we focus on what needs to be done, not who has to do something
• speaking from the place of an expert (no translations, simple, concise, understandable)
• no please, I'm not sorry and I'm not asking (but I'm also not rude) – definitely the hardest, because it requires a few steps away from emotions (the passive side of the language 😉 works well here), e.g. "These toys need to be cleaned up."

I hope you were right to point out that I did not specify what is "assigned" to the Child, and as to the Adult – because this is what learning conscious communication is all about, to allow the Little Man to be in different situations (once on the side of the leader, once a member of the conversation) and allow him to choose his behavior. Fortunately, during the day we have hundreds of such moments and you can do it all the time EXERCISE. You can also pay attention when someone crosses the border and begins to behave aggressively. This is when it is the perfect time to react and discuss the sources (ideally combined with NVC).

WHY IS THIS IMPORTANT?

Because the world is not always a pleasant place. Because someone may not have the purest intentions and we should teach Children that it is worth to put on their own sometimes and protect their boundaries, without being ignorant with a rude attitude. Someone wise once said that "it is necessary to prepare the Child for the journey, not the way to the Child". Let us prepare Them for all eventualities. 🙂

AUTHOR: NICOLE CIEPLIK, DIRECTOR /NIEDZWIADKOWO/